trying to convince the unconvinceable
with such precise precision presiding over each decision
of where to place, where to position each repetition -
i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you
of where to place, where to position each repetition -
i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you
each meeting always mixed
with the fixed idea of who did what and where and to whom
always erupting, disrupting our speech as we each preach
to the other as if a mother admonishing her child
confrontation compounding compounding compounding until
rationality and its counter clash into a crash
into a frantic dash of emotion and the notion of who was always right
and we fight into the night not knowing
it was neither you
nor I who was always right
those long long nights filled with fights
only accomplished one thing
always always always
causing compromise to end in goodbyes
Lately, for some reason, I have been nostalgic of the times BF #4 and I shared. I say I am over him, perhaps only partly true, because maybe, just maybe by saying it then it will help me to detach myself emotionally from him. Completely retarded, I KNOW!!
I ask myself, “Why after four months do I still sometimes find myself still missing him?” Perhaps it has been the unseasonably warm weather reminding me of the great memories we shared this summer and last, perhaps it is the fact that I was not able to celebrate my birthday with him (yes, friends are great but there is an emotional void that friends are unable to fill), perhaps it is because I will not be able to be with him on his birthday that is coming up this month, or maybe it is because I still have his picture framed in my bedroom. Whatever the reason, I wish I could free myself from him completely.
Yesterday
By: Leona Lewis
I just cant believe your gone
Still waiting for morning to come
When I see if the sun will rise
Without you by my side
Oooo where we had so much in store
Tell me what is it all reaching for
When were through building memories
I’ll hold yesterday in my heart
In my heart
[Chorus]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we’ll never play
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we’ll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday
You always choose to stay
I should be thankful for everyday
Heaven knows what the future holds
Or least where the story goes
I never believed it until now
I know I’ll see you again I’m sure
No it’s not selfish to ask for more
One more night one more day
One more smile on your face
But they can’t take yesterday
[Chorus]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They take the music that we’ll never play
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we’ll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday
I thought our days would last forever
But it wasn’t our destiny
‘Coz in my mind we had so much time
But I was so wrong
No I can believe me I can still find the strength in The moments we made
I’m looking back on yesterday
Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen
But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy
But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling
But nothing’s greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy, maybe, maybe
But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I….
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And it’s draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see
I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I….
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
The (Simplified) Cost-Benefit Analysis of Cheating
Assumptions:
1) Each benefit has a value of 1, each cost has a value of 1
Benefits:
1) One-time sexual gratification
Costs:
1) Loss of a lifetime of companionship
2) Loss of a lifetime of sexual gratification
3) Betrayal of trust
4) Loss of self-esteem
Conclusion:
Total benefits (1) < Total costs (4)
The total costs of cheating are greater than the total benefits of cheating, and as a result, a rational person should not cheat. And, being the rational consumer/economist that I am, it would be illogical/irrational for me to cheat; therefore, I will NOT cheat.
I try to keep my mind busy with school. It’s not easy to study when there are a thousand things running through your mind. I try not to keep looking for ways to have worked things out. I seem trapped by my own fantastical delusions that keep me from moving on.
… because it’s always the little things that you miss most.
The phone call at the end of your day to say goodnight, cooking the simplest of foods together but somehow it always hits the spot, the text message you get in the middle of the day just to say I miss you…
I will remember you for all the great times we had together. I will remember you for all the sweet, funny things you did for me. I cry not for all the mistakes in our relationship but for all the wonderful memories we made together with the realization there will be no more.
They say it gets easier with time. I find the opposite to be true. With each passing day I find myself thinking about you more and more, find it more and more difficult to keep from calling you just to see how you are and if you miss me too.
I know you will probably never read this… but somehow I hope you do.
Sometimes events that seem to fit together so perfectly are merely illusions we have created in our minds to justify our own actions. It is difficult to see anything other than what we want to see. Facades are erected, hearts are broken, and life seems to come to a standstill. We think we are doing right. We maintain in our minds that we are doing right and no amount of time will ever change that.
What does a person do when the past year suddenly washes away like the sand on a beach? What does a person do when the past year’s hopes and dreams come crashing down? When crying suddenly no longer dulls the pain?
Events in life are supposed to make us stronger, right? I will be a stronger person, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I will emerge a better and stronger person.
It’s strange how things can so suddenly change and your life becomes completely different. I’ve been reading some entries from my journal and came across this:
“Lillian was the best to talk to and she offered me some great advice. She is really a good roommate. Actually, she is the best roommate I have ever had.”
Then without warning we became complete enemies.
I’ve gone through a lot this week. My emotions have been completely turned upside-down. But I have to admit, it didn’t come without warning. The past month (or has it been longer?) has been leading up to the events that have transpired this week. And yet I am still distressed over it all.
There are some things that never get easy. There are some things that can never be fixed. I’ve experienced them both and I can’t remember the last time I was this sad. Every minute, every second is filled with this heart wrenching void and despondency.
I always go back and read this whenever I am going through a lot of problems. Somehow, in some way, I feel that things will work out.
“For what is life without the bruises and the failures and the emotions of sorrow and of anguish. It is a life without texture and allure. Life should be enticing. Life must have some texture. You must feel your life; feel that you’re living. You must be seduced and intoxicated by your life. It is only the irregularities of anguish and happiness, pain and joy, contentment and desire that create the texture of life. Like scrubbing off your dead skin cells in the shower, so should the texture of life rub against your being and reveal the emergence of a newer, livelier being.”
I’ve always held myself atop a pedestal in regards to the typical gay relationship. I always seriously consider the man I choose to be with. There is one thing that I hold superior to all else when it comes to a relationship – fidelity. I have never and will never cheat on my boyfriend. Monogamy is a trait I highly value and to be accused of not staying true to my man pangs my inner most being. It always hurts to be accused of something you didn’t do but in regards to something you value so highly it hurts in a way that can not be described. It is this indescribable feeling that I am experiencing tonight.
Several weeks ago I was talking to a friend of mine and made the comment that I have never cheated on any of my boyfriends to which he replied, “Really? I’ve cheated on ALL of mine.” Staying faithful to my boyfriend has never been difficult for me. When I find someone that I deeply care about I never feel the need to seek sexual gratification with another man. I fully commit myself to this individual and to the relationship. I choose to be with him and only him, not out of obligation but out of pleasure.
“A hundred times I wanted to kill myself, but still I loved life. This ridiculous weakness for living is perhaps one of our most fatal tendencies. For can anything be silier than to insist on carrying a burden one would continually much rather throw to the ground? Sillier than to feel disgust at one’s own existence and yet cling to it? Sillier, in short, than to clasp to our heart?”
“‘I’m afraid to say,’ said Candide, ‘that it’s a mania for insisting that all is well when things are going badly.’”
It’s times like these that I am completely lost in the numerous ideas the mind conjures up. I lay motionless in the wastleland of the choices I’ve made to get me where I am now. Not to say that the choices I’ve made have been the wrong ones or to say they have necessarily been the right ones.
A broken record. Repeating. Repeating.
Sometimes I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I don’t know where to turn. Sometimes I wish life were easier.
Still it repeats.
In the silence that consumes me, still I hear the cries of mistakes pronounced upon me, slowly eating away at all sources of happiness.
