Keith Olbermann on Prop 8

Melancholy.

Lately, for some reason, I have been nostalgic of the times BF #4 and I shared.  I say I am over him, perhaps only partly true, because maybe, just maybe by saying it then it will help me to detach myself emotionally from him.  Completely retarded, I KNOW!!

I ask myself, “Why after four months do I still sometimes find myself still missing him?”  Perhaps it has been the unseasonably warm weather reminding me of the great memories we shared this summer and last, perhaps it is the fact that I was not able to celebrate my birthday with him (yes, friends are great but there is an emotional void that friends are unable to fill), perhaps it is because I will not be able to be with him on his birthday that is coming up this month, or maybe it is because I still have his picture framed in my bedroom.  Whatever the reason, I wish I could free myself from him completely.

Yesterday

By:  Leona Lewis

I just cant believe your gone
Still waiting for morning to come
When I see if the sun will rise
Without you by my side
Oooo where we had so much in store
Tell me what is it all reaching for
When were through building memories
I’ll hold yesterday in my heart
In my heart

[Chorus]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we’ll never play
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we’ll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday

You always choose to stay
I should be thankful for everyday
Heaven knows what the future holds
Or least where the story goes
I never believed it until now
I know I’ll see you again I’m sure
No it’s not selfish to ask for more
One more night one more day
One more smile on your face
But they can’t take yesterday

[Chorus]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They take the music that we’ll never play
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we’ll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday

I thought our days would last forever
But it wasn’t our destiny
‘Coz in my mind we had so much time
But I was so wrong
No I can believe me I can still find the strength in The moments we made
I’m looking back on yesterday

[Repeat chorus]

I Lost My Grip

To quote a wise man, “Sometimes you start to lose your grip, but if you’re smart, it is during these times that you learn things you never knew.”

Well, I am retarded; therefore, I lost my grip.  But, I was smart enough to realize that I had lost my grip and took the necessary actions to rectify the situation.  There comes a time when a person’s “roll” must come to a screeching halt.  Mine has.  The days of having my cake and eating it too have come to an end!  I pulled the reins ever so gently (or as gently as the situation allowed) and said, “Woah!”  I am happy to say that for the time being I have regained my grip.

But sometimes I wish the government would just bail me out of my ridiculous predicaments rather than me having to deal with all of the problems that I caused upon myself.  People make mistakes and I shouldn’t be held accountable for ALL of the things I do wrong.  Relationships as we know them could cease to exist if I am not bailed out of my problems.  The entire infrastructure could collapse!  Left would be right, bottom would be top, cheating would be monogamy, gay would be straight, and AIDS would be a RASH!  You see, if I am continually losing my grip there is no other choice than a government bailout. 

So, if you ever see me beginning to lose my grip, stop for a minute and think – Do I really want everything I know to be true to become inverted?

(The answer is no.)

Leave Me Alone!!

Tired of your teen mouthing off?  Well, Nebraska has a unique approach for dealing with that.

 

Nebraska law allows abandonment of teens

‘Safe-havens’ potentially permit parents to drop off kids as old as 19

 

updated 5:05 p.m. CT, Fri., Aug. 22, 2008

Source:  [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26353351/?GT1=43001]

Dreams

Sometimes I think dreams are a way to help us deal with things that are to come…

LOST

Missing you terribly right now.

The Song of My Life?

Song: Bleeding Love
Artist: Leona Lewis

Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing’s greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I….

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it’s draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I….

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

An Economist’s Approach to Cheating

When in doubt, do a simple cost-benefit analysis!

 

The (Simplified) Cost-Benefit Analysis of Cheating

 

Assumptions:

1) Each benefit has a value of 1, each cost has a value of 1

Benefits:  

1) One-time sexual gratification

Costs:  

1) Loss of a lifetime of companionship

2) Loss of a lifetime of sexual gratification

3) Betrayal of trust

4) Loss of self-esteem

Conclusion:

Total benefits (1) < Total costs (4)

The total costs of cheating are greater than the total benefits of cheating, and as a result, a rational person should not cheat.  And, being the rational consumer/economist that I am, it would be illogical/irrational for me to cheat; therefore, I will NOT cheat.

It really IS that simple!

The Little Things.

It’s always the little things that you miss most.  

I try to keep my mind busy with school.  It’s not easy to study when there are a thousand things running through your mind.  I try not to keep looking for ways to have worked things out.  I seem trapped by my own fantastical delusions that keep me from moving on.

… because it’s always the little things that you miss most.

The phone call at the end of your day to say goodnight, cooking the simplest of foods together but somehow it always hits the spot, the text message you get in the middle of the day just to say I miss you…

I will remember you for all the great times we had together.  I will remember you for all the sweet, funny things you did for me.  I cry not for all the mistakes in our relationship but for all the wonderful memories we made together with the realization there will be no more.

They say it gets easier with time.  I find the opposite to be true.  With each passing day I find myself thinking about you more and more, find it more and more difficult to keep from calling you just to see how you are and if you miss me too.

I know you will probably never read this… but somehow I hope you do.

Sadness.

Sometimes events that seem to fit together so perfectly are merely illusions we have created in our minds to justify our own actions.  It is difficult to see anything other than what we want to see.  Facades are erected, hearts are broken, and life seems to come to a standstill.  We think we are doing right.  We maintain in our minds that we are doing right and no amount of time will ever change that.  

What does a person do when the past year suddenly washes away like the sand on a beach?  What does a person do when the past year’s hopes and dreams come crashing down?  When crying suddenly no longer dulls the pain?  

Events in life are supposed to make us stronger, right?  I will be a stronger person, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I will emerge a better and stronger person.

The Last 6 Months (all in one post)

I’ve really neglected maintaining a blog this year and am finally sitting down and dedicating a proper post to the last six months (in chronological order).

JANUARY:

The year got off to a VERY dramatic start as you can probably tell from previous posts.  Things had been building up for, I guess, about six months prior to that and then suddenly exploded into what seemed like the end of my life (yes, very dramatic, I know).  Since then I have worked through things and couldn’t be happier with how my life is right now. 

School started up again and pretty much consumed my life.  It was a tough semester but I got through it with a B average.  I was pleased considering how difficult it was.  

FEBRUARY:

I went out for dinner with my BF for a very nice Valentine’s Day at Angelina’s.  Other than that, nothing too memorable stands out in my mind.

MARCH:

School was definitely getting old and spring break couldn’t come soon enough.  My BF had the brilliant idea of going camping!  We found a very nice place in southern Illinois called Garden of the Gods.  It was really nice to get away for a while and spend some relaxing time alone with the love of my life (LOML).  The weather was fairly nice during the day but got pretty cold at night, around 30 degrees.  We went on several hikes, cooked on a campfire, and had lots of FUN (except for the nights we heard wild animals walking outside our tent).

APRIL:

Still busy with school…

MAY:

Finals…

JUNE:

Summer is now in full swing and with summer comes summer school.  Yuck.  I can not wait until I graduate.  I am so ready to enter the workforce and make some much needed MONAYE.  My focus this summer is going to be securing an internship to gain new skills that will allow me to better compete for a job once I graduate.  I got some plants from Home Depot and planted them and put them on my balcony.  They are very nice.

So that’s my life since January!  Nothing too exciting, just living my life and sharing it with my BF.  More blog posts and more exciting blog posts to come in the future.  Stay tuned!

I hate it.

“You have to be very strong with yourself and make the decision… then stick with the decision even if someone tries to shake your mind.”

 

That’s the advice someone once gave me.  It’s easy for a person to decide one thing and then when they get ready to do it someone comes along and persuades that person to do something entirely different.  Too often I let other people change my mind and I never end up doing what it is I want/need to do.  I need to start taking that advice and actually do the things that I decide to do.  I need to stop procrastinating and get business done!

—-

It’s now several days since I began writing this post and I’m reminded about something my mother told me about a month ago when I was talking to her about my sister.  In regards to my sister’s situation she said, “If you let him treat you like that, he’s going to do it.”  She’s right.  And so is my good friend Blowesha:  “It seems to me that sometimes people love people they shouldn’t love.”

 

We always have a choice, even when it seems that we don’t.  I now look back at my past relationships and know that it was a good thing they ended.  I can clearly see how they were not a healthy part of my life and that even though it was difficult going through the breakup it was ultimately beneficial for me.  

 

I like to think I’ve grown as a result of my former relationships.  I like to think that I’ve learned things from them and because of that my future relationships will be even stronger.  I like to think that I’ve learned what kind of person I am and what kind of person I would like to share my life with.  But in the end, have I?  Have the lessons of life really taught me anything?  

 

There’s a difference between learning something and then actually applying it.  For example, in math class I’ve learned how to find the integral and derivative but because I never apply it I no longer remember how to do it.  I think relationships are the same way.  If a person learns things from past relationships but then never applies what they have learned to present situations then that person forgets what they have learned.  If a persons actions are inconsistent with what is valued then what use was the information that was learned?

—-

It’s now been about a week since I first started writing this and am just now getting to posting it.  I guess I just wanted to see what happens before I posted anything.  Also, I have been busy getting ready for the new semester of school!

 

Christmas

12/23

This should be the second day of my trip and I should already be home now enjoying the holiday season with my family.  I should already be repulsed by anti-gay remarks and feeling unwelcome.  But because my flight was cancelled due to the weather I still have not arrived.  Yesterday my boyfriend drove me to the airport.  We said our goodbyes.  It wasn’t emotional.  I will only be gone for a few days and it isn’t like we haven’t spent several days apart in the past.  I stood in line for about an hour after I noticed on the screen that my flight was cancelled.  I spoke to my good friend Luis about recent big time drama (perhaps in another blog) while I stood in line.  When I finally reached an attendant, she was able to book me on the last seat for a flight to Denver and then to Tulsa for the next day.  It was a little frustrating but I wasn’t that angry about it.

Because of being delayed for a day, I was able to spend the evening, which turned into a late evening, with my boyfriend, Luis and his boyfriend, and a friend of theirs.  They were making merengues and boy were they good.  I think I ate ten of them!  It was nice to just relax in the comfort of friends.  We even watched Ratatouille.  I don’t like watching animated movies much but it wasn’t too bad of a movie.  

Today my boyfriend drove me back to the airport.  I checked in and made my way through security.  I had several hours until my flight because I had arrived so early because I didn’t want any problems like yesterday.  I decided to get online and browse the web for a while.  My trip has been pretty uneventful so far.  

Every year when I go home it always feels weird.  I don’t know if it’s because I feel out of place or if it’s because I haven’t come out to them yet or if it is some other reason.  This year is especially sad.  This will probably be the last time I see my granny.  She is old and keeps getting sicker and sicker.  The last time I saw her she didn’t even know who I was.  It was so sad to see her like that.  Also, this will probably be the last time I see my dog that I’ve had since I was a child.  He’s been deaf for several years now but now my mother says he is also going blind.  He’s always been such a good dog and it’s sad to think he won’t be around the next time I visit.

 

When my parents greeted me at the airport in Tulsa my dad said, “What’s that?  A purse?”  I was only carrying my laptop bag so it sort of struck me off guard when he said that.  It’s a good thing I hadn’t received my man purse from Blowesha and Umair yet!!  On the drive home we caught up on things, joked around, and just relaxed in the car.

Home was the same as always.  Not much had changed.  

My visit was pretty uneventful.  I visited with family, took it easy, and ate WAY TOO MUCH!  It was nice to see my family after not seeing them for a year but at the same time I was ready to return back to Chicago.  I love my family but for some reason it feels less and less like home each year I return.  

It makes me wonder, “Have I really changed that much in the three years I’ve been in Chicago?”

 

I never thought that I’d say this

but I am sexed out!  

Yay!

Your weekly dose of excitement has arrived!

Life.

Now that’s a real thrill ride.

Somehow, in some way…

I always go back and read this whenever I am going through a lot of problems. Somehow, in some way, I feel that things will work out.

“For what is life without the bruises and the failures and the emotions of sorrow and of anguish. It is a life without texture and allure. Life should be enticing. Life must have some texture. You must feel your life; feel that you’re living. You must be seduced and intoxicated by your life. It is only the irregularities of anguish and happiness, pain and joy, contentment and desire that create the texture of life. Like scrubbing off your dead skin cells in the shower, so should the texture of life rub against your being and reveal the emergence of a newer, livelier being.”

- Jerry