Keith Olbermann on Prop 8

World AIDS Day

I am so excited about World AIDS Day that is coming up December 1. My immune system is already weakening with excitement that I can hardly stay alive. I realize that it is still two whole months away and that this post is a little early but I just can’t hold it in anymore. Just like all white people, I love events that occur one day a year to celebrate/memorialize/commemorate a certain group of people.  It just happens that people with AIDS are my FAVORITE group of people (with black people in close second).

I am in a bit of a dilemma, though.  I can’t quite decide what to dress up as.  Here are a couple of ideas I have so far…

1.  Full-blown AIDS

2.  Man with a caved-in face

3.  A protease inhibitor

4.  Or just be HIV

I wonder if there will be a POZ Pride Parade to go along with the festivities this year…  I suspect that if there is one then Walgreen would be the grand marshall (or perhaps Pfizer).  I can just imagine the chants of the people in the parade – now we stand here broken-hearted, for all the victims who’ve departed – as this year’s theme song “Oops I Did It Again” by Britney Spears plays in the background.  The usual gay cheerleaders will be in the parade except they are not skinny because they are anorexic and/or bulimic.  No, it’s because they are wasting away from their AIDS medication!  (Gosh, just kidding.  Why you so serious?)

Speaking of theme songs, what do you suppose the theme song for super AIDS would be?  Perhaps “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” by Daft Punk? 

Be sure to send me costume ideas and I hope to see you at the POZ Pride Parade, if not before!

I Lost My Grip

To quote a wise man, “Sometimes you start to lose your grip, but if you’re smart, it is during these times that you learn things you never knew.”

Well, I am retarded; therefore, I lost my grip.  But, I was smart enough to realize that I had lost my grip and took the necessary actions to rectify the situation.  There comes a time when a person’s “roll” must come to a screeching halt.  Mine has.  The days of having my cake and eating it too have come to an end!  I pulled the reins ever so gently (or as gently as the situation allowed) and said, “Woah!”  I am happy to say that for the time being I have regained my grip.

But sometimes I wish the government would just bail me out of my ridiculous predicaments rather than me having to deal with all of the problems that I caused upon myself.  People make mistakes and I shouldn’t be held accountable for ALL of the things I do wrong.  Relationships as we know them could cease to exist if I am not bailed out of my problems.  The entire infrastructure could collapse!  Left would be right, bottom would be top, cheating would be monogamy, gay would be straight, and AIDS would be a RASH!  You see, if I am continually losing my grip there is no other choice than a government bailout. 

So, if you ever see me beginning to lose my grip, stop for a minute and think – Do I really want everything I know to be true to become inverted?

(The answer is no.)

Coat Check, Please!

Last Sunday I went to Northend with BF #4 and two of his friends (just friends?) to have a couple drinks.  For those of you that have never been to Northend, it is a sports oriented bar.  I have never been a huge sports fanatic but I have never hated them either and anything coupled with alcohol can never be that bad of an idea (except maybe AIDS and alcohol – that could be a deadly combination).  

It just happened to be the Bears first game of the season and, as a result, the bar was brimming with MASC men!  (I won’t dare delve into the topic of homo-eroticism and football in this post.)  Never had I seen so many queeny guys congregating in one place attempting to demonstrate to one another that they too can be butchy.  Apparently, all one needs to do to be masc is to wear one’s baseball cap backwards (or a football jersey or a jersey of any sports team for that matter) and spout off some football jargon every once in a while.  Voila!

I have to admit that in the midst of this identity conundrum I still managed to have loads (and by loads I mean cum loads.. jk lol.. just pretend I didn’t say that) of fun!  I had just as much or even more fun than had I stayed out until 5 a.m. at the RE-Berlins.  Not only did I intermittently watch some of the football game, I managed to come in last in a dart competition, win one out of four games of pool, and chug three beers.  At this point you may be asking yourself how an attractive, brilliant, intellectual, genius like myself could possibly have fun on a night like that.  Well, there is a simple (and by simple I mean brilliant) explanation for that.

Most intellectuals like to congregate amongst themselves, discuss the most pressing issues, engage in AIDS related banter, and compliment themselves on how brilliant they are.  Well, not ME!  Unlike most intellectuals, as I catwalk my sexy self through the slew of half-naked bodies of men and make my way to the coat check, not only do I check my 100% pure leather couture jacket and matching scarf (VERY expensive, you probably couldn’t afford it) but I also check my intellect as well.   Now, with the faculty of reasoning and understanding gone, I can have all the drunken, retarded fun I want just like all the other queens!

So, the next time you find yourself quietly sitting in the corner of your neighborhood gay bar having a lousy time just march your proud (and by proud I mean gay) self up to coat check and rid yourself of the brilliance (that your friends never get) and just have fun!

Overheard on the STREEK!

Guy 1:  So you want to come over to my apartment or not?

Guy 2:  Yeah, I do…

Guy 1:  How big are you?

Guy 2:  About 7…

 

Lessons to learn from this:

1.  Never precede how big you are with “about.”  Anytime anyone ever says that then you can safely deduct an inch.

2.  If you are hooking up on the streek, talk a little quieter.

LOST

Missing you terribly right now.

The Song of My Life?

Song: Bleeding Love
Artist: Leona Lewis

Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing’s greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I….

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it’s draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I….

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

The Little Things.

It’s always the little things that you miss most.  

I try to keep my mind busy with school.  It’s not easy to study when there are a thousand things running through your mind.  I try not to keep looking for ways to have worked things out.  I seem trapped by my own fantastical delusions that keep me from moving on.

… because it’s always the little things that you miss most.

The phone call at the end of your day to say goodnight, cooking the simplest of foods together but somehow it always hits the spot, the text message you get in the middle of the day just to say I miss you…

I will remember you for all the great times we had together.  I will remember you for all the sweet, funny things you did for me.  I cry not for all the mistakes in our relationship but for all the wonderful memories we made together with the realization there will be no more.

They say it gets easier with time.  I find the opposite to be true.  With each passing day I find myself thinking about you more and more, find it more and more difficult to keep from calling you just to see how you are and if you miss me too.

I know you will probably never read this… but somehow I hope you do.

Sadness.

Sometimes events that seem to fit together so perfectly are merely illusions we have created in our minds to justify our own actions.  It is difficult to see anything other than what we want to see.  Facades are erected, hearts are broken, and life seems to come to a standstill.  We think we are doing right.  We maintain in our minds that we are doing right and no amount of time will ever change that.  

What does a person do when the past year suddenly washes away like the sand on a beach?  What does a person do when the past year’s hopes and dreams come crashing down?  When crying suddenly no longer dulls the pain?  

Events in life are supposed to make us stronger, right?  I will be a stronger person, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I will emerge a better and stronger person.

If it were written by gay men…

 

hen in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for gay people to dissolve the religious fundamentalist bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the rationality of the human mind entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Sex, Porno and the pursuit of MPR. — That to secure these rights, Steamrooms are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Steamrooms becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Gay People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Steamrooms, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Pleasure and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Steamrooms long established should not be changed for heterosexual and bisexual causes.

 

[the end]

[they all adjourn to the Steamrooms]

What I need…

I need a:  VGL-M4M-DOM-BB-CD-JO-BJ-FF-BDSM-PNP-FB.

But seriously, 

OMG, WTF?!?!?!

 

Confusion.

It’s strange how things can so suddenly change and your life becomes completely different.  I’ve been reading some entries from my journal and came across this:

 

“Lillian was the best to talk to and she offered me some great advice.  She is really a good roommate.  Actually, she is the best roommate I have ever had.”

Then without warning we became complete enemies.  

I’ve gone through a lot this week.  My emotions have been completely turned upside-down.  But I have to admit, it didn’t come without warning.  The past month (or has it been longer?) has been leading up to the events that have transpired this week.  And yet I am still distressed over it all.

It is only rational that I should feel relieved… 

…but for some reason I don’t.

 

I hate it.

“You have to be very strong with yourself and make the decision… then stick with the decision even if someone tries to shake your mind.”

 

That’s the advice someone once gave me.  It’s easy for a person to decide one thing and then when they get ready to do it someone comes along and persuades that person to do something entirely different.  Too often I let other people change my mind and I never end up doing what it is I want/need to do.  I need to start taking that advice and actually do the things that I decide to do.  I need to stop procrastinating and get business done!

—-

It’s now several days since I began writing this post and I’m reminded about something my mother told me about a month ago when I was talking to her about my sister.  In regards to my sister’s situation she said, “If you let him treat you like that, he’s going to do it.”  She’s right.  And so is my good friend Blowesha:  “It seems to me that sometimes people love people they shouldn’t love.”

 

We always have a choice, even when it seems that we don’t.  I now look back at my past relationships and know that it was a good thing they ended.  I can clearly see how they were not a healthy part of my life and that even though it was difficult going through the breakup it was ultimately beneficial for me.  

 

I like to think I’ve grown as a result of my former relationships.  I like to think that I’ve learned things from them and because of that my future relationships will be even stronger.  I like to think that I’ve learned what kind of person I am and what kind of person I would like to share my life with.  But in the end, have I?  Have the lessons of life really taught me anything?  

 

There’s a difference between learning something and then actually applying it.  For example, in math class I’ve learned how to find the integral and derivative but because I never apply it I no longer remember how to do it.  I think relationships are the same way.  If a person learns things from past relationships but then never applies what they have learned to present situations then that person forgets what they have learned.  If a persons actions are inconsistent with what is valued then what use was the information that was learned?

—-

It’s now been about a week since I first started writing this and am just now getting to posting it.  I guess I just wanted to see what happens before I posted anything.  Also, I have been busy getting ready for the new semester of school!

 

FUN

I definitely need to learn how to do THIS!

I never thought that I’d say this

but I am sexed out!  

Drama.

I’ve had it up to here (gestures with hand) with those typical queeny fags who go out to the clubs every single night.  You know the kind – the ones that like to get their rocks off by gossiping and stirring up trouble.  I suppose that’s why so many of them are hair stylists.  What better environment to gossip than in a club and a hair salon.  

To that fucker that deemed it necessary to incite problems with my boyfriend and me by making unsubstantiated and entirely untrue claims about me:  I will fuck you up.  

Happy Repeal Day!!!

Also known as EVERYDAY in the gay world, Repeal Day celebrates the joys of getting shwasted!  Now go and celebrate the wondrous freedoms granted in our constitution! 

Somehow, in some way…

I always go back and read this whenever I am going through a lot of problems. Somehow, in some way, I feel that things will work out.

“For what is life without the bruises and the failures and the emotions of sorrow and of anguish. It is a life without texture and allure. Life should be enticing. Life must have some texture. You must feel your life; feel that you’re living. You must be seduced and intoxicated by your life. It is only the irregularities of anguish and happiness, pain and joy, contentment and desire that create the texture of life. Like scrubbing off your dead skin cells in the shower, so should the texture of life rub against your being and reveal the emergence of a newer, livelier being.”

- Jerry

Fidelity

I’ve always held myself atop a pedestal in regards to the typical gay relationship. I always seriously consider the man I choose to be with. There is one thing that I hold superior to all else when it comes to a relationship – fidelity. I have never and will never cheat on my boyfriend. Monogamy is a trait I highly value and to be accused of not staying true to my man pangs my inner most being. It always hurts to be accused of something you didn’t do but in regards to something you value so highly it hurts in a way that can not be described. It is this indescribable feeling that I am experiencing tonight.

Several weeks ago I was talking to a friend of mine and made the comment that I have never cheated on any of my boyfriends to which he replied, “Really? I’ve cheated on ALL of mine.” Staying faithful to my boyfriend has never been difficult for me. When I find someone that I deeply care about I never feel the need to seek sexual gratification with another man. I fully commit myself to this individual and to the relationship. I choose to be with him and only him, not out of obligation but out of pleasure.

“A hundred times I wanted to kill myself, but still I loved life. This ridiculous weakness for living is perhaps one of our most fatal tendencies. For can anything be silier than to insist on carrying a burden one would continually much rather throw to the ground? Sillier than to feel disgust at one’s own existence and yet cling to it? Sillier, in short, than to clasp to our heart?”

“‘I’m afraid to say,’ said Candide, ‘that it’s a mania for insisting that all is well when things are going badly.’”

- Quotes from Candide

It’s times like these that I am completely lost in the numerous ideas the mind conjures up. I lay motionless in the wastleland of the choices I’ve made to get me where I am now. Not to say that the choices I’ve made have been the wrong ones or to say they have necessarily been the right ones.

A broken record. Repeating. Repeating.

Sometimes I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I don’t know where to turn. Sometimes I wish life were easier.

Still it repeats.

In the silence that consumes me, still I hear the cries of mistakes pronounced upon me, slowly eating away at all sources of happiness.