The Last 6 Months (all in one post)

I’ve really neglected maintaining a blog this year and am finally sitting down and dedicating a proper post to the last six months (in chronological order).

JANUARY:

The year got off to a VERY dramatic start as you can probably tell from previous posts.  Things had been building up for, I guess, about six months prior to that and then suddenly exploded into what seemed like the end of my life (yes, very dramatic, I know).  Since then I have worked through things and couldn’t be happier with how my life is right now. 

School started up again and pretty much consumed my life.  It was a tough semester but I got through it with a B average.  I was pleased considering how difficult it was.  

FEBRUARY:

I went out for dinner with my BF for a very nice Valentine’s Day at Angelina’s.  Other than that, nothing too memorable stands out in my mind.

MARCH:

School was definitely getting old and spring break couldn’t come soon enough.  My BF had the brilliant idea of going camping!  We found a very nice place in southern Illinois called Garden of the Gods.  It was really nice to get away for a while and spend some relaxing time alone with the love of my life (LOML).  The weather was fairly nice during the day but got pretty cold at night, around 30 degrees.  We went on several hikes, cooked on a campfire, and had lots of FUN (except for the nights we heard wild animals walking outside our tent).

APRIL:

Still busy with school…

MAY:

Finals…

JUNE:

Summer is now in full swing and with summer comes summer school.  Yuck.  I can not wait until I graduate.  I am so ready to enter the workforce and make some much needed MONAYE.  My focus this summer is going to be securing an internship to gain new skills that will allow me to better compete for a job once I graduate.  I got some plants from Home Depot and planted them and put them on my balcony.  They are very nice.

So that’s my life since January!  Nothing too exciting, just living my life and sharing it with my BF.  More blog posts and more exciting blog posts to come in the future.  Stay tuned!

Bums.

It seems that even the bums are aware of the current state of the U.S. economy.  A few weeks ago I was walking with my boyfriend near Michigan Avenue when a bum approached the two of us and asked if we could spare $1.00!!  Normally whenever I am approached by a bum he/she (though normally a he) asks for a small amount like 27¢.  

 

In tough financial times like these bums are directly affected.  The price of commodities rise while a person’s real wage does not.  People waste less.  Now, the bum is less likely to find leftover goodies while he is garbage picking.  He must now ask for increasingly larger handouts.  

 

I find it interesting that as inflation increases so are the bums expectations for handouts.

 

 

This and That.

So what’s been going on with me lately?

 

Well, not a lot really.  I pretty much spend all of my time at work or at school and when I’m not doing that then I spend most of my time in my room wasting time not doing much of anything.

 

I did watch two good movies this weekend:  Ma Vie en Rose and The Departed.  My friend, Umair, had given the former to me as a gift for Christmas.  That was so nice of him.  How did he know I would like that movie?  It must mean we are soul mates, whether I like it or not!

 

In other news, I tried my hand at creating a mixed song.  Woah!  So much fun (and sad)!  It still needs some work, though.  Who knew I could be so creative?

 

School is off to a fairly good start.  I’m a little scared now that I am taking a lot more difficult courses.  This semester is pivotal in my academic career.  It will either show me I am truly brilliant or just mediocre.  My goal is at least two A’s out of the four classes that I am taking.  

 

I seriously need a vacation.  Perhaps that will alleviate all of the craziness I have been feeling the past week.  I’m going to try and plan a trip somewhere for spring break.  I should be getting enough money back on my taxes to finance it.  Any suggestions of where to go?

 

Well, back to studying (or not studying, as I like to call it).

 

Dilemmas of Life

I just finished hanging up my clothes that I washed SEVERAL weeks ago.  Now that all of my clothes are clean at the same time I don’t have enough hangers.   

What’s a girl to do?!?    

Life keeps throwing me curve balls and I keep swinging and missing.

Happy Repeal Day!!!

Also known as EVERYDAY in the gay world, Repeal Day celebrates the joys of getting shwasted!  Now go and celebrate the wondrous freedoms granted in our constitution! 

Life.

Now that’s a real thrill ride.

Choices

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the choices we make and how they shape our lives. I find it strange/interesting/confusing how one seemingly unimportant choice ends up dramatically changing our lives and how if we had simply altered our choice in just the slightest of ways our life would be entirely different. Sometimes I wonder where I would be right now had I not done one thing or another and if I would be happier if I hadn’t. In what ways would I be different? In what ways would I be the same?

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve made the right choices. I think at times my actions and choices contradict the things I value in life. I make these choices fully realizing they go against what I know I should do and yet I still feel that in some way they benefit me. It’s almost like I don’t want to do what I know I should do. Do you ever feel like neither of the two options are what you want? What does one do in situations such as these?

the tbones pcast

It’s been several months since I purchased my Mac and I just now have gotten to creating a podcast. I still have a little more to edit but it is very near finished! I can’t wait to start podcasting regularly!

Be on the lookout for it.

Sometimes

there are things that a person just can’t change no matter how much they would like to.

CIFF and Apple Picking

My sweetie and I made several attempts to attend the Chicago International Film Festival (CIFF). Never before have I encountered so many things go wrong. The first attempt we made we (by we, I mean me) confused which theatre it was playing at. It wasn’t a big deal. The CIFF was just getting started so we thought there would be many other opportunities to see something else. The second attempt we made the theatre decided to move the film to another one downtown AND change the time. Once again, our attempt to see a movie together had been spoiled. The third (and final) attempt we made occurred on a premiere night and ALL the tickets were SOLD! AAARRGGGHHH! We could have stayed to see if there would have been any extra tickets they could have sold but we were #19 on the list to try and get tickets.

We then decided to spend the evening at Julius Meinl sipping tea and eating crepes. This was our second visit. You see, my honey has an infatuation with tea and after I told him that we should try this place out (with the recommendation of my good friend BLOWESHA) I have not been able to keep him away from it. I just love that place, or is it just because I’m with the guy I care about?

Yesterday, I was speaking to Blowesha on the phone and she was telling me about what a great time she had in Wisconsin!

(Ok, let me rewind a bit. My honey and I made plans with Blowesha and her honey to go apple picking in Wisconsin. The entire drive it was pouring down rain and seemed like terrible conditions to be in an orchard picking apples in the MUD. So, my honey and I decided to cancel and spend the day at Gurnee Mills.)

She was telling me how great it was and everything they did. I then told her about the great time I had spending with my honey to which Blowesha replied, “I guess it doesn’t matter what you are doing as long as you are doing it with the person you love.” That’s so true. I always have such a great time with him no matter what we do. I had almost forgotten how great this feeling is until he came into my life. Sigh–

A Plethora of Gingers

Immediately upon arriving I was surrounded by the most disgusting gingers imaginable. Yuck. Ewwww. Gross. I turned left, then right, then left again. I waded through a sea of freckles in search of dry, gingerless land that I could firmly plant my feet on.

This is how my weekend at the Chicago Celtic Festival began.

All in all, I had a very nice time spending the evening with my honey. I didn’t realize how lively, toe-tapping, make-you-want-to-dance kind of music it is. I’ve never really listened to Celtic music before. In the past I had listened to a couple minutes here and a couple minutes there of Riverdance and thought I had fulfilled my life quota but I was sorely mistaken. If it weren’t for the $7 beers I most definitely would have been drunk. It’s that kind of music that just isn’t fully appreciated without a tall glass of Guinness.

There was one stage that had performers dancing traditional dances and jigs. Wow! It is really incredible the way they can move their legs. I can only imagine how sex would be with someone who can move like that! My honey made a comment to me about how there is very little hip movement. “It sounds like the perfect dance for me!” Because anyone who knows me knows that my hips are permanently cemented in place.

My honey decided to get some fish and chips. Now, I’ve never quite understood (or, for some strange reason, liked) why they call fries chips. If fries are chips, then what are chips?! Anyway, apparently the traditional way to eat it is with malt vinegar. Gosh, I am so uncultured! It tasted okay. I’ve never really been much of a seafood eater so I couldn’t really tell you whether it was that good or not. But judging from the fact that it came from a street vendor I am pretty certain it wasn’t.

Afterwards, he and I spent a nice quiet evening at home watching one of his favorite movies (on VHS!) together as I fell asleep in his arms. It was the perfect ending to a beautiful night.

Him.

In the chaos that has become my life, I find refuge in his sweet embrace.

Two weeks in…

School has already taken over my life. I still can’t believe the amount of work I have for this semester. I feel overwhelmed at times. There is a small glimmer of light at the end of this long tunnel of essays to write and books to read. I have never been this organized and I owe it all to my brand new Mac!! Everything is so well integrated. I think the semester is going to go a lot more smoothly than my previous semesters.

Aside from school, newly created drama is consuming the rest of my life. There is too much to go into details here.

Things are going so nicely with my new sweetie and me.

I could expound on so many things but it is now 2:15am and I desperately need to sleep.

Rice and Michigan

I woke up today expecting it to be just as every other day has been this summer – boring and uneventful. I fixed breakfast/lunch as I thought about how fast the days go by when one wakes up so late. I turned on the television as I sat and ate. It was The Maury Show. I stared at the screen and couldn’t have felt more like white trash. Because we all know that only trash watch shows about trash. I shuddered at the thought.

For some reason, perhaps boredom, The Maury Show has grown on me and now I find the show quite entertaining. For instance, on the second installment of the show (because it’s on back-to-back) there were people with all sorts of phobias. I couldn’t help but LOL at how ridiculous some of them were. Birds?… ok, I could possibly see that. Lizards?… yes, that could definitely be a phobia…. But cotton?!?! This crazy woman was terrified of cotton and the sound it makes! She even had dreams of a cotton man that terrorized her!

The show about phobias was a nice change from the typical “who be my baby daddy” shows that they usually air. At least by being gay we don’t have to worry about impregnating someone; we just have to worry about becoming infected with HIV. It makes a person wonder, which is worse? Dying prematurely or taking care of an unwanted child for decades?

After that excitement I decided I needed to step outside. I then proceeded to walk to my school so I could pick up my U-Pass. I stepped on campus and walked in the building just like I had every other semester. This time was different. This time it was as if time had reversed itself and I was once again celebrating the fourth of July. Rice rockets burst open in all their brown glory. I stopped for a minute and could have sworn I heard the National Anthem playing… “And the rice rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air.” It was truly a spectacle to be seen. I always enjoy returning to school to start a new semester and being reminded at how lucky I am to be surrounded by such beautiful rice rockets. (For those of you not in the know, let me explain a bit. A rice rocket is the new, clever, fun, non-racist way of generalizing the entire population of Asia. It’s very simple, all you do is apply rocket to the end of whatever food the population eats. For example, I would be considered a potato rocket and my good friend Innommable would be considered a bean rocket. It’s as easy as that.) I can see that this semester is going to be very difficult to get through with such magnificent works of art to stare and analyze.

Last Saturday my sweetie and I went to Saugatuck, Michigan for the day. Surprisingly, it is only a two hour trip. We left early in the morning and I could barely stay awake in the car. When we arrived we stopped at a coffee shop and had a coffee. We sat outside as we drank out coffee and ate a piece of peach coffee cake as the birds begged for crumbs. There was a small baby bird that would hop around, still not able to fly. It would peck away on the concrete sidewalk trying to get a morsel of anything and sometimes its mother would come around and feed a bite of something. I enjoyed sitting there in the peaceful calm that is a small town, feeling the cool breeze, and chatting with my sweetie.

It reminded me a lot of home. The people went out of there way to be friendly. There were houses NOT condos. And, people actually had yards. I always enjoy the time I get to spend with my sweetie (who just happens to be a rice rocket). He loves the outdoors and the small town simple life. And so do I, to a degree. It’s nice to get away and just relax, if only for a day.

We then went from shop to shop, gallery to gallery browsing through all the unique gifts and collectibles they have. If I were any good, it would be nice to set up a small gallery and paint all day and have people buy my works of art. There was one shop in particular that had the funniest little things. I debated for a while whether or not to purchase it. They had a Jesus action figure. I laughed. It came with fish and bread and water and wine. They also had a Moses action figure. It was really a fun store.

I would sometimes spend quite a while looking at all the different things in the stores. I never intended on purchasing anything but it was fun to look at it all. I would frequently look around to see where my new beau was and I would always find him standing outside waiting for me to finish browsing. My new beau has the peculiar habit of doing that after he has finished with a store. I love how he’s always so patient. He never complained the entire time even though he had been there many times before and been to all the shops many times as well.

We then took a leisurely stroll through the forest preserve and then to the beach. It was very overcast at this point and looked like it would start raining anytime. It wasn’t exactly ideal weather but just being with him was more than enough. After the rain forced us to leave we then went to dinner. The car ride home was relaxing as the water splashed against the windshield. I don’t think I could have asked for a better day with better company.

Tomorrow is my first day back to work after my long hiatus. I’ll blog about that more tomorrow. It is getting late and this post is getting long. I’ve left out so many details that I may rethink and turn my once a week blog into a biweekly blog.

Sleep well.

The Comeback

This summer has flown by in a whirlwind. It has been a break for me from the monotony of life but in my attempt to break free, it seems I have only created a new ever more monotonous life, if ever a thing could exist. I find myself doing nothing with more frequency than ever before. My mind is whittling away in the vast vacuous wasteland of joblessness, jobless by choice, but jobless nonetheless.

My summer began as my job ended. Summer school was soon to start and I grew giddy with the thought of learning once again, just as a boy who is to begin his first day of kindergarten. I had no time (or need) for a job, or so I convinced myself. So I spoke to my boss and took the summer off. I made my list of things to accomplish during my stint of freedom. I dusted off old books, bought new ones, created list upon list of artistic endeavors to pursue, all in an attempt to be productive.

Before I knew it, summer school had ended. The dog days of summer were just beginning. I hadn’t accomplished anything… yet. I kept telling myself that I just didn’t have time with all the schoolwork and studying I had to do. But, that never kept me from dancing the nights away at the club. For whatever reason, I had become somewhat of a club kid, not fully, but more than I had ever dreamed I would be. The gay “culture” had enshrouded me with the most luxurious silk and proclaimed me king. I stood tall on that stage, bare-chested and proud, and shimmied my way to endless nights of pure fun.

My roommates and I decided to designate one night a month and spend the evening drinking together and getting dressed up and then going out to the club. This was roommate’s night out. The once a month get together quickly turned into a once a week routine of getting drunk, going to the club, and having our way with the men. We turned heads wherever we went. Runways were laid forth before us as we entered all the clubs. We lived the glamorous life but it became all too mundane. The flashy diamonds (costume jewelry), fancy cars (taxis galore), and exotic islands (Blue Island) quickly wore off and I was back to going out every so often with my roommates.

I made good grades this summer and got two classes out of the way. My college career is progressing very nicely and I am finally able to feel the end is coming soon. Granted, I still have two more years left but the midway mark is something to celebrate. I am really going to push myself and try to finish sooner. Wasting away the months at Dunkin Donuts is clearly not going to propel me into anything great or exciting.

There has been one new and very exciting thing to happen to me this summer that I feel if I didn’t talk about then this post would be sorely lacking. Without prior notice, it happened in the most dramatic of ways. But isn’t that how most things great and wonderful appear… without notice. We walked along the lakefront that first date on that warm summer night. He was very quiet and reserved. He didn’t excite me much that first date, as the cloud of awkwardness of meeting someone new became increasingly thicker and thicker. I must have felt something more because, as he called the next day, we made plans to see each other again. We have seen each other off and on for about a month now. There is an excitement accompanied with each time we make plans to see each other, an excitement that has been missing from my life for a long time.

Now, it seems as if I am caught in some sort of earthly purgatory, in between school semesters, waiting to go back to work. I while away my time doing as little as can be imagined. I should be given a little credit, though. I’ve recently started writing again, which has proven to be very cathartic. I’ve started reading Atlas Shrugged. I am excited about returning to work and adding a bit of structure to my life. When a person has nothing that needs to be done, then nothing does get done. The same can be said true about motivation. When a person has no motivation to do anything, then nothing will get done.

I feel there are so many things that I am leaving out of this comeback post. I guess that is what happens when a person goes so long without writing ANYTHING. Frankly, I’m surprised I can still form sentences. It’s a good thing this post is in written form because as many of you know, I can’t even speak properly.

And on that note, I’ll put an end to this drudgery that I call my “Comeback.”

Confessions of a Smoker

Written January 27, 2007

It was in that dark, flesh-filled bar that I entered into the world where habit dictates each move. I inhaled my first drag, not knowing that I had just become another number for the tobacco industry. I was now a statistic – No. 3,334,000,230. My friends call me 3.33 for short.

“No, I am not a smoker. I am not addicted,” I emphatically stated with a cigarette carefully nestled between my index and middle finger.

Weeks went by. Packs of cigarettes burned their way into my lungs. A friend, the one with whom I shared my first smoke with, reminded me each day of the phases of accepting an addiction. I still clutched to the delusion that I could never become addicted.

I knew the perils that face a lifetime of inhalations. Smoking kills and I of all people, having grown up around a grandmother with half a lung left, knew this. Cancer, bad skin, discolored teeth, the stench of your clothes. Yes, I knew all of this.

“It’s like kissing an ashtray,” they always said.

I had yet to have my first romantic kiss and I certainly didn’t want my first one to be marred by the taste of smoke. But he already smokes and so I kissed that ashtray! It wasn’t so bad, in fact, I hadn’t noticed it at all. So, I smoked… and I smoked some more.

All of this happened while I was in Ecuador. I was able to start discovering myself while I was there. It was an experience that forever changed my life and I still wonder what I would be and what I would be doing had I never gone.

I was afraid when I first came home, now being a smoker, to a house of staunch advocates of no smoking. I felt as if I was doing something so wrong that I couldn’t even tell them about it. There is nothing illegal or morally wrong with smoking but yet the stigma of it made me feel so dirty. I hid, or so thought I was, the fact that I now smoke. I would sneak outside under the guise of letting the dog out just so I could get a few drags in before someone saw me. Now that I look back, it was all really silly.

“I smoke now,” I quietly whispered to my mother one night.

We spoke for a while about a lot of different things. I had just returned from being away on my own for a while. It was different this time as we conversed, my mom and me. I was an adult now and the conversation that ensued emanated those feelings of independence associated with adulthood. I have always loved the freedom and independence my parents always willingly (and sometimes not so willingly) given me.

This was all in 2003 and now it is 2007. I have been smoking for almost four years. There have been many times when I wished I would quit, many times when I did quit, and many times when I desired the comfort of smoking. I have always found it odd how something so detrimental to ones life can be so satisfying.

At times, when depression sinks its unrelenting bite into you, it has been that small box of comfort that has kept me afloat. It was the nights I spent crying alone in bed that I most craved that oh so satisfying smoke. They have almost become like that close friend to whom you can tell your most secret of secrets to.

I still crave that companionship of smoke. If only there were something to fill that void…

A (not so) Desperate Housewife.

7:34a.m. – I wake up to Lucy jumping all over me and kissing me in the face. She likes morning breath as was apparent as she almost molested me. If Lucy were on gay.com she would only get online early in the morning and her bio would read: Morning breath +++

7:46a.m. – I get out of bed and brush my teeth and proceed to wander aimlessly around my apartment.

8:00a.m. – Hunger settles in and I decide to fry some potatoes, scramble some eggs, and toast some tortillas. I sit down at my kitchen table and eat, watch the news, and look to see if I have anything on myspace. With myspace, everyday is like Christmas. It’s so exciting when I get comments. Comment me, comment me!!

9:02a.m. – The kitchen is looking a bit grungy so I decide to clean a little. After working up a sweat (you know you like it like that!) I open all the windows and the door to the balcony to let some fresh air in. The weather is fabulous!

10:30a.m. – I’m beginning to feel a little bored so what else but make some cupcakes! I’ve had two cupcake mixes for several months but just haven’t had a chance to make them. Thanks to the Irish Extravaganza I also have some cupcake trays thanks to Lu. I bake them and then make some icing and decorate them.

2:34p.m. – I walk the dog. The weather is so gorgeous that I thought the dog might like it too after having been trapped indoors all winter. Now, you must be thinking – But she likes it when I trap her inside. Well, if you could see the look on her face when I got the leash out then you’d know that this was the day she had dreamt about for months. I walked her with my roommate to the bus stop as he went to work. We (the dog and I) decided to head over to see what drama Mr. Shorty Shorts was doing. As usual, he was just getting out of bed. It is such a nice day that we sit outside drinking French rose (with an accent on the e in rose) and chatting about all sorts of things. Drinking in the afternoon is definitely THE life. Sugar pie… c’mere sugar pie… I mean, Lucy.

6:14p.m. – I arrive home to an empty house and decide to do what any normal person would do – give the dog a haircut. She doesn’t really mind the clippers except when they get close to her ears. I guess the buzzing sound in her ear is not exactly pleasing. Hmm… I wonder if I had a pet bee if it would notice the buzzing sound. She looks fab, as the mod fag would say. I do really great work!

7:46p.m. – We shower together so I can get all the loose hair off. Now why can’t I ever find some hot guy to groom and then shower with?!

9:16p.m. – Bedtime!

There and Back Again

I arrived to Tulsa on Thursday morning.

Surprisingly, before hand in Chicago I was able to check-in, get through security, and find my gate in well under an hour which is good seeing as how I only arrived at the airport an hour before departure. I can say that there are no attractive people flying at 7AM.

Much to my delight (and surprise) my flight from O’hare left on time. There was an unfortunate mother seated in front of me enjoying some pre-flight entertainment, namely, her daughter’s digested remnants of breakfast. It’s always nice to have a reminder of why I have no desire to have children of my own. The seat next to mine was empty. With my face in my hand I enjoyed falling asleep rather quickly as I listened to some of my favorite music.

I am always so shocked as to how incredibly small the airport at Tulsa is. The last time I arrived to Tulsa I deboarded the plane by the step ladder type things they use only in third world countries. But because of its small size it is always easy to navigate.

“Is that her,” I thought as I walked to the area where people were waiting to greet the arriving passengers.

I looked closer, unsure whether to wave or smile or what. I couldn’t determine if that girl standing over there was my sister or not. It might seem odd to some that someone who I lived with for the majority of my life was almost unrecognizable to me. She looked different. Each feature that had defined her before had changed just ever so slightly so that when combined together they formed someone entirely different…

…or perhaps it was just I who had changed.

It happened again. I was waiting at the carousel awaiting the arrival of my luggage….and waiting…and waiting. Without fail, my bags have managed not to make it on my flight with me. The exact same thing happened last Christmas when I came home. Once my bags finally do arrive to Tulsa they have a special messenger service to deliver them to my house. Seeing as how I live 60 miles from Tulsa, apparently I am not a big priority for American Airlines as I am waiting until 2AM Friday morning to receive my bags. Some things just never change.

My sister has a boyfriend and he accompanied her to go and pick me up. He is nice (and boyishly cute). They spend a lot of time together. She is only 19 and he is only 16 but on more than one occasion I have heard them say I love you to each other. I love you?? When I was only 16 I had no idea what love is. I think this is a perfect example of how easily this phrase is used/overused.

Still, love seems to be all around. My two uncles and their wives are home. Everyone is coupled with someone else. It’s great to be able to spend the holiday with my family but it always feels like something is missing. I don’t have that special person to wake up next to on Christmas morning or to experience all the great things Christmas makes us feel.

I spent the day at my grandma’s house on Friday. My parents were working the entire day so I used it to spend time catching up. My grandma is always such a delight to visit as all grandmas are. I just love looking at all the projects she has done throughout the year. Interior design is definitely her true calling. Stepping inside her home is like stepping back in time; things are a bit simpler. Everything is homemade.

Prior to my arrival I had made plans with my grandma to teach me how to knit. We sat down together and she showed me the basic stitches. We made jokes. We laughed. It was truly a great time. It is memories such as these that I will always cherish. It is difficult to put into words the immense love I have for my family.

As I was leaving that night I looked up. It caught me by surprise. I always somehow forget how beautiful the night sky is here. The skies were clear making it a perfect star gazing night. My breath was visible as I breathed a sigh. Such a beautiful night should not be wasted spent alone I thought. Each star shone so bright and with each twinkle I imagined him next to me, the him I have only dreamed about, the him that would have made this night perfect.

Seeing as how my town has only 6,000 inhabitants, public transportation is nonexistent. I had forgotten how much I enjoy driving a manual transmission. In order to go anywhere it requires driving. In fact, since I have been here I don’t think I have seen anyone walking!

My uncle and aunt and their family and my other uncle and aunt came down late Friday night after I had left. I stopped by and spent the afternoon catching up with them on Saturday. Although bullheaded, my uncle Dave is a very smart, interesting, fun person to talk to. He is very into fitness and health and he was the most “impressed” with finding out that I have become vegetarian as opposed to my other uncle Joe who thinks I have become a hippie! Joe is a fun guy but very narrow minded as was proved when he asked me, “Have you ever seen a healthy looking vegetarian?”

Sunday we all went to church together. I had forgotten just how much I love going to church. I hadn’t been in such a long time. The members from my church are always so nice. They were glad to see me and asked me all the typical questions. “How is Chicago? Are you still there? How’s the weather up there?” I love listening to my mom, a soprano, and sister, an alto, sing. They have such beautiful voices. Hearing my mom sing is so comforting and brings back so many wonderful memories. That is how I imagine an angel would sing.

I got rave reviews about my new hair I was sporting while I was down. I was so surprised at how well everyone liked it (or at least the ones who didn’t like it maintained their silence). One day my aunt told me I look like someone who just stepped out of the magazines. I smiled. Isn’t it wonderful being beautiful?! Then the next day I was sitting on the couch with my sister and the same aunt came over and was talking and she said to my sister, “Doesn’t your brother look like a model?” She is too kind!

As usual my sister awoke extremely early on Christmas day. Christmas is the one day of the year that she can wake up pre-dawn no matter what time she had gone to bed the night before. It is such an odd peculiarity, one most would consider child-like. I was of course the last to awake. I relish the days that I am allowed to sleep-in. I was able to take three days off from work this year and combined with the weekend and Christmas day I was off for a combined six days!

We all gathered around together in the living room and began opening gifts. There were few. I gave one to my mom and one to my sister. Prior to arriving home I had decided to wait to buy something for my dad until I could go somewhere with my mom so she could help me pick something out. My dad is extremely difficult to shop for. Each day rapidly progressed from one the other and before I knew it it was Christmas Eve and I hadn’t bought anything! He had told me not to buy him anything and just the fact that I was home was enough of a gift but I still wanted to at least give him a little something. For all practical reasons I elected to receive money rather than gifts from my parents. My sister still loves receiving gifts.

I had found my mom’s gift at the Pier 1 that was going out of business in boystown. It was such a large gift that I had wondered how I was going to get it home. I finally decided to just put it in a box and check it in with the luggage. My roommate had just received a foot massager and I decided that I could make my mom’s gift fit in the box. I taped it up good and it survived the flight rather well.

I telephoned my roommate Christmas day to wish him well. He asked me about the box that I used. Come to find out, the gift that my roommate had received was meant to be regifted! Now he was stuck with it!

After opening gifts I popped in an Indian movie much to the dismay of the rest of my family. I brought three of them to watch while I was down and only managed to see one. Although my dad won’t admit it, I know he was getting into it as the movie progressed. As usual, I enjoyed every minute of it!

We finally made our way, my mom, dad, and I (my sister had left immediately after opeing gifts) to grandma’s house for Christmas dinner. When I arrived, I opened the gifts from my grandparents and my two uncles. They have absolutely no clue as to what I might enjoy for Christmas but that doesn’t matter really. Whether they gave me anything or not would have no significance to me. I only come home to spend time with them, visit, and relax.

Dinner was fabulous. Everyone always makes something for the dinner. I make asparagus. My mom makes dressing. My aunt makes dinner rolls. My grandma puts everything else together. There seems to always be an enormous amount of food but very little left over. Everything tasted sooo good. I miss home-cooking a lot. But I realized something this time when I was down. Home cooked food is great but it’s the relationships you have with people doing the home-cooking that makes it taste all that much better. It’s the time spent in the kitchen while everyone is busy cooking, laughing, and joking around that makes food home-cooked.

After dinner, with everyone now doubled in size, we took the usual post dinner naps. My granddad was the first to conk out on the recliner. Everyone else then followed as if they had practiced it all year. I guess this is where I get my superior sleeping skills. I can sleep no matter what if I want to and so can pretty much the rest of my family. We all slept for at least a couple hours and then woke up to eat more!

Later that night my friends from high school were having a get together. It had been years since I’d seen some of them. They were still the same. I guess not much changes when you stay in the same the place you have been your entire life. You see the same people everyday who hold the same values and ideas. Very little change is likely to occur. We all played games for a few hours that night and laughed and visited with each other. It was a nice time and it was nice to see them all again.

I couldn’t believe it but the next day is Tuesday. My time with my family has already come and gone. It went by so incredibly fast. This was one of the best Christmas’ I’ve had. I think the more time I spend away from my family the more I cherish each visit home.

After I left my friends, I went back to say my goodbyes to my grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins. It was sad having to say goodbye. I hugged my grandma as tears began to fill my eyes. I hate saying goodbye. I didn’t cry because it seems silly. After all, I will see them again.

My mom and sister drove me to the airport on Tuesday afternoon. We said goodbye in the airport and off I was back to my life in Chicago.

Memories

Tonight, as I was packing my things up to move, my mind was littered with opposing emotions. This was my first home in Chicago, the first place that felt like home since I moved away from home, a place where I could detach myself from the outside world, my sanctuary. This is the place where I have entertained friends and spent nights cuddled up under a blanket watching TV.

I will never forget all the memories I have made here. I will never forget the pork roast dinner I cooked, the night we painted my blue wall, or “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” that we read together while holding each other. Nor will I forget the last dinner we shared on that round kitchen table and the not quite satisfying good-bye.

As I leave this place, I am not only saying good-bye to the place that has sheltered me but also to the memories I cherish most. I will still have the memories but just like I am changing dwellings, I too am moving away from these memories. With each day that passes in this new place of mine, I will slowly forget about this place I once lived. The memories too will slowly fade until they are but a dot from the past. This scares me. And even though I am excited to move to this nice new place, it saddens me to leave.

As I lay here for the last time in my cozy bed, in my painted then repainted room, in the place where I could escape from everything, I listen to the one song that always brings me comfort. But with each mountain in spring time, with each walk in the rain, with each storm in the desert, with each sleepy blue ocean, a tear gently rolls from the corner of my eye and trickles down.

…a song that will never be just a song, an apartment that will never be just an apartment, and a friend who will never be just a friend.

And so tomorrow, I leave…

Addiction

I once was addicted to you but now find myself inhaling my death. I always return to what will be my end, a vice to end all vices. In my search to find independence, a prerequisite for inner happiness, I find it difficult to rid myself of the shackles that bind me. Addiction is unhealthy, whether it be love or smoke-filled inhalations. And it seems I am tormented by both. One could argue that it is not love but simply an infatuation. Either way, it consumes me. Each addiction leaves me gasping for breath, wanting to end them both but always returning.

It was during my first meaningful relationship that I began this dirty habit. It was fun. I wasn’t addicted. No, not me. As I continued to smoke I kept telling myself that. It was as if smoking itself was not the bad but rather the addiction and as long I was not addicted then there was nothing wrong. And even today I still find myself telling those same lies over again.

My life was great then. I had a wonderful boyfriend, was busy vacationing around South America, not a care in the world. I abandoned all responsibility as I transitioned from the adolescent phase into adulthood. Many teenagers do this while in college but no, South America was my escape from home, a rebellion of sorts.

I smoked. I was happy.

But soon the vacation ended and subsequently the relationship. Soon after that I made my first attempt at quitting after meeting an incredible guy. Devastated after the breakup I ended up, I picked up my first cigarette in a month. I began smoking more then than I ever had. With all disregard toward living, I began smoking more than ever. I desired to return back in time when I was happy, back when I first began smoking.

I smoked. In search of happiness. I was sad.

After being a smoker again for several months, I met a very special guy. Our relationship grew quickly and just as quickly as it grew, my smoking habit ended. I had finally found that elusive happiness I so desired. My life seemed complete. There was no need to smoke, to prematurely end my life because I was with him. I quit one addiction only to begin another – him.

This too came to an end. Heartbroken, I slowly picked up my first cigarette and began to smoke after four months. Slowly I inhaled each satisfying breath. I inhaled my past, my happiness, my dreams, and my hopes. In the mintutes it took for me to finish my cigarette my addiction began and the other one continued.

I smoke yet crave something more.