Epiphany

Over the past six weeks I have spent a great deal of time trying to understand how and why the events of my life have taken a 90 degree turn for the worse in respect to relationships.  I have never understood WHY a person would choose to cheat on their partner rather than have a mature discussion about what each person’s needs are.  It is hard for me to fathom the thought process involved in deciding to throw away a years worth of memories for a one time self-gratification sexual escapade.  I understand that every moment in a relationship is not peachy keen but that does not mean a person should throw everything away, lie, and deceive their partner for one night of ecstasy without any explanation or discussion.

 

This has confused me until I had an epiphany tonight.  He lives his life by the old cliché – sharing is caring!  NOW it makes sense.  Gosh, I am completely retarded.  He cheated on me because he cares!  I bet he thinks I never cared about him because I never cheated on him.  

 

Everything is MY fault.

Confusion.

It’s strange how things can so suddenly change and your life becomes completely different.  I’ve been reading some entries from my journal and came across this:

 

“Lillian was the best to talk to and she offered me some great advice.  She is really a good roommate.  Actually, she is the best roommate I have ever had.”

Then without warning we became complete enemies.  

I’ve gone through a lot this week.  My emotions have been completely turned upside-down.  But I have to admit, it didn’t come without warning.  The past month (or has it been longer?) has been leading up to the events that have transpired this week.  And yet I am still distressed over it all.

It is only rational that I should feel relieved… 

…but for some reason I don’t.

 

I hate it.

“You have to be very strong with yourself and make the decision… then stick with the decision even if someone tries to shake your mind.”

 

That’s the advice someone once gave me.  It’s easy for a person to decide one thing and then when they get ready to do it someone comes along and persuades that person to do something entirely different.  Too often I let other people change my mind and I never end up doing what it is I want/need to do.  I need to start taking that advice and actually do the things that I decide to do.  I need to stop procrastinating and get business done!

—-

It’s now several days since I began writing this post and I’m reminded about something my mother told me about a month ago when I was talking to her about my sister.  In regards to my sister’s situation she said, “If you let him treat you like that, he’s going to do it.”  She’s right.  And so is my good friend Blowesha:  “It seems to me that sometimes people love people they shouldn’t love.”

 

We always have a choice, even when it seems that we don’t.  I now look back at my past relationships and know that it was a good thing they ended.  I can clearly see how they were not a healthy part of my life and that even though it was difficult going through the breakup it was ultimately beneficial for me.  

 

I like to think I’ve grown as a result of my former relationships.  I like to think that I’ve learned things from them and because of that my future relationships will be even stronger.  I like to think that I’ve learned what kind of person I am and what kind of person I would like to share my life with.  But in the end, have I?  Have the lessons of life really taught me anything?  

 

There’s a difference between learning something and then actually applying it.  For example, in math class I’ve learned how to find the integral and derivative but because I never apply it I no longer remember how to do it.  I think relationships are the same way.  If a person learns things from past relationships but then never applies what they have learned to present situations then that person forgets what they have learned.  If a persons actions are inconsistent with what is valued then what use was the information that was learned?

—-

It’s now been about a week since I first started writing this and am just now getting to posting it.  I guess I just wanted to see what happens before I posted anything.  Also, I have been busy getting ready for the new semester of school!

 

Drama.

I’ve had it up to here (gestures with hand) with those typical queeny fags who go out to the clubs every single night.  You know the kind – the ones that like to get their rocks off by gossiping and stirring up trouble.  I suppose that’s why so many of them are hair stylists.  What better environment to gossip than in a club and a hair salon.  

To that fucker that deemed it necessary to incite problems with my boyfriend and me by making unsubstantiated and entirely untrue claims about me:  I will fuck you up.